Well, it’s been a few weeks since I made the blog and I had planned to write daily but then everything came all at once and I got distracted. We had issues with the rain which caused the yard (front, back and side) to flood as well as realizing some water damage to the bathroom floor which has to be replaced within the next five years. Eesh!

Summer is officially here (although we did have a short hail shower/thunderstorm today) so that means getting more active and having more time to write about stuff I do with my little one. I plan to be active this year, I’m thinking of looking into a season pass for the swimming pool too. I know my little one would love that.

Yesterday I walked from my house to the pool (with a short detour which added more blocks to my walk,) we spent about two hours in the water, my little one didn’t like it at the start but then when she got used to it, she loved it. I packed up the stroller and we headed home. By the time I got home, I felt like I had done maybe twenty-two blocks but when the husband got home, we drove around my route and he informed me I had done thirty-two and a half. So ten more blocks than I realized. No treadmill for me last night after that.

How I felt about that was awesome, proud of myself, motivated to do more walking, (especially in the sunshine.) By the time it was time for me to go to bed, I was exhausted and sore all over. I got off the couch and both my knees cracked as well as my back and my ankle (although my ankle cracking is never a good sign. I don’t want to be back in the boot again.) I managed to fall asleep shortly before one-thirty am and I woke up at nine thirty.

I had to wake my little one up, she was so exhausted that she didn’t make much of a fuss going to bed. We have her routine down but she doesn’t like going to bed and I hate it when she cries but I know I can’t comfort her. That’s part of the cry-it-out method.

This morning was a slow starter, after we woke up and had a bit of breakfast (for me consisted of yogurt) I got everything ready and me and my little one headed to the pool only this time with my husband. We stopped at Dollar General first to get my little one a pool ring which ended up being a car that she could sit in above the water.

At first she screamed and of course the whole three people who were at the pool (we got there just as it opened) looked at us and laughed. They had a little one that did the same every time. As soon as we got our little one into the car float, she began to love the water and we ended up staying there for over two hours.

With my husband there, I got to swim which meant I use muscles I haven’t used in a long time and it felt great. With every stroke or kick I felt the cobwebs falling off my joints and disappearing into the water. The great thing about swimming is that it’s great for your cardio and to be able to get my daughter into the water at an early stage is so important.

To me, everyone should know how to swim and being introduced to water at such a young age is a good way to start preparing them for the water.

I wish the pool was an in door one, that would be awesome. If it was, I think I would loose the weight so much faster. Treadmills get boring, walks get interrupted with by bad weather. I happen to be one of these people diagnosed with ADHD so my brain is always moving but sometimes my body lags behind and I hate that.

In my head I am this beautiful woman at a size twelve. I wear shorts with slim legs, I am not skinny but I have curves. I can wear a dress if I wanted to, I could wear a tank top if I wanted to. However, when I look in a mirror I see this whale. I think about what I was like five or six years ago. I was chubby (at 19 I moved in with a guy and we only ever ate take out,) but I was comfortable. Now I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse to look at myself in a mirror unless I have to. I use a compact to do make up if I ever wear any.

I don’t want my little one growing up seeing that mommy hates herself. I want her to see that if you are happy in your own skin, if you can love yourself then you are able to truly love another. It does start with inner love, at least in my opinion.

A woman could be a size thirty and be happy as long as she is happy with herself and that’s my goal. To get to a weight that I am happy about and the goal is 100 lbs. I will do it, it may take a long(ish) time but I will do it and I will show my little one that no matter what, you do things like this for yourself fist and others second.

The last two days have been great, I’m really hoping we go to the pool tomorrow and possibly the park (which is beside the pool) afterwords.

Now I know I haven’t mentioned my food in take, but I decided to leave that for last. I really haven’t gotten that sorted yet, I’m still doing the 1200 calorie intake but I’m still working on setting up a healthier menu. Today I had a sandwich, (chicken and cheese with no sauce.) For dinner, I had a few chicken nuggets. I really wasn’t hungry, in the summer I tend to drink more than I eat. It’s when it gets cold when that will be the real test but I am determined to get to a healthier weight. I am hoping by being active this summer, I can stay active in the winter. I am confident that I will have more energy so when the snow hits, I can play out in the snow for longer.

Last year, I had to sit down every ten minutes or so and I wanted to slap myself for that. Watching my husband and daughter playing in the snow non stop for almost an hour was so great but it made me sad that I couldn’t do that with them. I also took the pictures because I hated being in pictures and that makes me sad because my little one is going to ask why. The only explanation I can give her is “I was fat and I wasn’t happy with myself.”

So I am setting a smaller goal for myself too:

I am going to take two pictures of me and my little one together each month this summer and I am going to be proud of those pictures. I’m not going to delete them, I’m not going to think negative thoughts. I am going to see the beauty in the picture, a mother and child together. That’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Diet time!

So tonight or rather tomorrow, I start the twelve hundred calorie diet. I’m nervous because I have never really counted calories other than one time and that was a failure. I couldn’t stop going over my goal.

Of course I have to decide to do this when next week, I will be meeting my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend and we are going for Chinese. I’ve been told it’s okay to splurge once in a while and if I go over, I can always go for a walk the next day.

That’s not the point, I’m going to work really hard not to go over the goal. I am going to stay strong, I am going to do this not just for me but for my little one too. I don’t want her to have a mom who can’t chase after her, a mom who sits on the couch watching her life go by.

No, I’m going to be the curvy mom who can keep up with her, who gets involved and is there for her. I’m going to look back on the pictures of her growing up and be proud of them. I won’t be “just” the photographer anymore. I’m going to be the role model she deserves.

My goal? Not to be as skinny as I was when I was seventeen, that’s just crazy. My goal is to get from 265lbs (last time I checked) to 165 lbs. That’s right, I want to lose 100lbs. I know it’s ambitious but that is my end goal. However, I am a realist at times and I know I have to think small in order to get big thoughts.

I understand it’s going to take time, I will not see results straight away, it could take weeks, maybe even months. I just hope by next summer I can get into a swimming suit and not wear a really long t-shirt over it.

I hope when I get to go back to Ireland with my husband and little one, I can “wow” (as my mom and aunts say) my family and surprise them. Like I said, it’s not for them, it’s for me. I will enjoy their reactions. I will be strong, I will try not to cave (we all fall off and on the wagon at some point in our lives,) I’m not aiming for perfection or run way model. I’m just aiming to be healthy.

The journey starts…

I grew up as a skinny kid, I was always active and ready to go. I would go hiking on a moment’s notice. I would leave the house and come home hours later. I was also a rebellious kid. I never dressed the way my parents wanted me to dress. Some days I would be all in black, some days I would be in baggy pants with matching t-shirts and a skateboard on my back. That’s just how I was.

My favorite music was metal with rock being next and then punk-pop, although secretly I loved classical music too. I would put on headphones and sit and listen for hours to random bands, old bands, new bands, one hit wonder bands. I didn’t have a care in the world.

Then I met my ex and things changed. I was 19. I left home, moved in with him and spent two years eating take out because I didn’t know how to cook. I lost some friends along the way because of how I acted. When I finally got the courage up to leave him and return home I realized how immature I had been. I realized I still needed to learn more about the world before I tried living on my own  or with someone again.

I still ate the take outs, I became less active and I piled on the pounds. I began to play online games such as World of Warcraft and Ogame. I went from the extrovert, confident woman to an introvert with low self esteem. I got into another hazardous relationship and even moved countries for six months to be with him. 

When I came back, I was the same girl but this time a little smaller and more low self esteem. I really do know how to pick the jerks in this world.

While with my international ex, I met a few friends on online games and although I didn’t know it at the time, I met my now husband. He and I were both in relations (obviously) but soon after I broke up with my ex, he did the same. We were still friends at that point but we began to talk more and it finally came out that we liked each other.

He showed me a life I never thought possible, real love I never thought I would have. He showed me how a real man treated a woman. We got married soon after and to this day, we are together, working as a team to raise our little one.

I know my husband loves me just the way I am and even if I lost weight, he would still love me. The problem is, I don’t really know if I love me as much as I should.

So this is where my journey starts.

This blog will be my record of my journey. This isn’t just for me but for my little one too. I would love to run after my little one and not get out of breath. I want my little one to have both mommy and daddy chasing her in a game of tag or have races with her. I want her to grow up and be as active as I was and plan to be again. I don’t want my little one growing up and being able to say mommy never played with me like daddy did.

My goal? Is to lose weight without losing my curves. Women come in different shapes and sizes. I really do get that but if you are not happy in your own skin then there is an issue. I would like to be able to look down and not have some of the floor hidden by my belly.

I just hope that if anyone reads this and can relate to any part of this, then they can find their inner confidence like I plan to do.